American Freak Show: The Completely Fabricated Stories of Our New National Treasures
Willie Geist
Language: English
Pages: 240
ISBN: 1401323944
Format: PDF / Kindle (mobi) / ePub
This is not the first book written about quantum mechanics, but it just might be the last. The theory presented inside these pages is so revolutionary that it has stunned the scientific community into reconsidering centuries of thought about the behavior of energy and matter. Prepare to have your mind blown.
Sorry, that's the introduction to Willie Geist's next book--the culmination of his life's work. Look for it next spring, just in time for Mother's Day. This book is about his other passion: freaks.
When he's not in the lab, Geist spends his time on MSNBC's Morning Joe sifting through the wreckage of American politics and popular culture. These days, that's a big job. With an Alaska hockey mom turning, almost overnight, into a national icon and threatening to move from Wasilla to the White House, with the world's most famous athlete now associated less with the Masters and more with the strippers, and with reality TV working around the clock to ensure the constitutional right of every man, woman, and child to fifteen minutes of fame, Geist's business is thriving.
In his hilarious first book, American Freak Show, Geist takes the smart, biting observation loved by his television audience to new satirical extremes. The real-life characters who now haunt our daily lives are cast as stars in completely made-up scenes that, frankly, are not all that far from reality.
Geist treats us to the first look at President Sarah Palin's unconventional inaugural address, performed live on WWE's Monday Night Raw after her renegade victory in the 2012 election. We go inside the ballroom for a Dean Martin-style welcome roast of Bernie Madoff upon his arrival in Hell, with Pol Pot serving as sidesplitting roastmaster. Geist provides us with never-before-seen FBI wiretap transcripts of the more mundane, but equally profane, telephone conversations of former Illinois governor Rod Blagojevich. And George W. Bush's batting-cage-and-waterslide-themed plans for a presidential library are laid out publicly for the first time.
From Obama to Oprah, Afghanistan to Lohan, and Snooki to the Salahis, Willie Geist spares no one as our host of this wild American Freak Show. You'll laugh out loud while weeping for the future of America.
The Bear Went Over the Mountain
Complaint, Walendowski explained the noise very simply. “I’ll tell you the truth,” he told police. “I got pissed because my lawnmower wouldn’t start, so I got my shotgun and shot it. It’s my lawnmower and my yard, so I can shoot it if I want.” Damn right. Despite his seemingly flawless constitutional defense, Walendowski was charged with a felony count of possessing a short-barreled shotgun and a misdemeanor count of disorderly conduct while armed. Keith Walendowski’s is a cautionary tale. A.
At the CIA. An abduction is the biggest compliment I can pay an artist.” Romano nods. “True story.” Feherty moves on. “Wow, you are a big fan. And the third member of this group, Mike Ditka.” “Yes, Iron Mike. Get over here, Mike, ya big lug.” Kim Jong-il throws his arm around Ditka, who laughs and picks Kim Jong-il off the ground in a giant bear hug. Ditka is wearing a Panama Jack straw hat and an ironic T-shirt with a picture of Kim Jong-il that reads, YOU BE IL-IN’! “This guy is the best,”.
This world and I’ll take you out of this motherfucker right quick. Now go work on your choreography for the yard sale. REBBIE You’re my firstborn and I love you like hell. Shit, you’re almost as old as I am. Literally. But nobody knows who you are. You just aren’t weird enough. I’d have you run the books for this yard sale, but I obviously plan on ripping all you dumb motherfuckers off, so I can’t have you stickin’ your nose in the numbers. Shit, I don’t know: just sit in a dunk tank and let.
1998, but she declined. Couldn’t have been nicer about it. Anyway, welcome, Darva. Is William Hung here? Bill, where are you? There you are, you old so-and-so. William was inducted in 2004. He pioneered the “sympathy celebrity” category. People simply felt bad about themselves for making fun of him on American Idol because, frankly, it looked like something might be wrong there. No one was making fun anymore when William released his Christmas album Hung for the Holidays. Had a heck of a run. He.
Called my parents’ home number. I wasn’t quite sure what Blago had in mind, but it really didn’t matter. When you’re offered an audience with Blago, you don’t ask a lot of questions. He’s papal in that regard. My mom answered. “Mom, put Dad on the phone. It’s important,” I said sternly. It was important. She sensed the urgency in my voice and summoned my dad to the telephone. I announced to my old man that the former governor of the great state of Illinois would like a word with him. I couldn’t.